For Valentine's day, I would like to share something which I had been so excited to receive this year, which is my 23AndMe DNA Ancestry results. I received it on January, just before my birthday. I did not pay for the whole thing, which included the health option, but since they're going to store my DNA (a.k.a. my spit) for another 10 years, I have time so I can choose to buy it much later. But, I did buy the standard 'Ancestry composition' service, so now I know where my genes come from.
The waves of the sea silently submerge the gathering darkness of the night in their depths,
Flooding the corner at the end of the sky.
The big fish swims across the gap in the dreamscape,
Gazing fixedly at your contours as you sleep deeply.
Look at [how] the sea and the sky are the same color
Hear the rising of the wind and the falling of the rain.
Taking your hand, blowing till the boundless hazy mist over the waters disperses.
The wings of the big fish are already too vast.
I let go of the rope of time.
[I'm] afraid that you will fly far away, afraid that you will leave me.
[I'm] even more afraid that you will remain here forever.
Every drop of tear flows towards you,
Flowing backwards to the seafloor of the sky.
Watching you fly far away, watching you leave me,
So it turns out that you've belonged to the horizon since birth.
Every drop of tear flows towards you,
Flowing backwards to [our] initial encounter.
This is basically going to ba a post about how utterly single I am in such a prolific holiday such as Valentine's Day. Where I'll be seeing posts about love and romance everywhere, I will be alone this year, just as I was last year. Atleast alone as I allow myself to be. There is no other holiday that I have done my best to deflect from thinking about than this particular day. I have always been afraid of love. From the tumultuous relationships I experienced of my grandparents and parents, to my ultimate fear of someone figuring out who or what I am; I have done my best to just let this day pass by like any other day. But, for some reason, I've been feeling compelled to post about it, just to talk about and express my usually silent and secretive perspectives of this day. First off, I find this holiday quite stressful to the eyes and the heart. At least from an emotional standpoint. How can I focus on myself and the road to independence when I have to think about how much I love someone or, for that matter, be forced to think I'm in a dedicated relationship? I cannot fathom myself as a girlfriend or wife of a man I will barely get to know, much less vow to love my whole life. Honestly, I've had so many opportunities to date guys, but they either lose interest or they're just not into being in an actual, meaningful relationship with me. And don't go telling me time matters. Yet, there will always be guys that I simply consider as friends rather than romantic or emotional partners in life. For good reason, too. Now I don't mean to seem picky, but there are things about intimacy that I fear. I will not specifically state my reasons, but they are valid ones. And I refuse to find out the hard way if I'm physically compatible with someone. I'm afraid I'll stumble throughout life with nobody to catch me or remind me that I still have my whole life ahead of me. Then again, such thoughts force me to think stronger thoughts about being alone. It makes me tougher, more durable. Even when I face the future alone and without anybody, it keeps me going. Maybe I'll get tired and collapse from exhaustion, but I know I can get there. Afterall, there's no motivation stronger than the idea of me fending for myself all alone in this self-absorbed world. I won't even rely on people who have come and go in my life, nor those who I think of as mere strangers.
But I will answer the most perplexing riddle that everyone asks at some point in their lives: What is love? Love is many things, but it is not toxic. Love is wonderful and filled with all the things everyone longs for, but it can also bring pain and confusion. It's easily mistaken for loathing, but love is the only thing that makes things bearable. The very state of living can be filled with misconceptions and suffering. And so love is there to bring your spirits up again. There are also many, many kinds of love aswell. From the filial love of parents for their child to the much-coveted romantic love, and of course the saddening one-sided sort of love. There are too many to mention (click on the link to learn about all of it). But whatever form love takes, its a God-given sort of love, and it will never blemish nor fade away. Aslong as we have it, we will consider our lives fulfilled. We are complete. But what does that mean for someone such as myself? I am, afterall, a person who has loved too often and have lost it time and time again. And even then, love continues to evade me in every way possible. For the longest time, I wondered where I will be going with such a loveless future. But I'm still around and fighting, with or without someone to have by my side. Makes me think how long I can keep living like this when I am reminded that I'm grown-up enough to live for myself and by myself. I don't mean to sound like, "I don't need a man" sort of woman, but I am the sort of woman who would decide to be strong and ready for a relationship before I actually get myself in one. But now that I'm ready, I just can't seem to find the right guy who can fit me in any way possible. And screw those guys who married someone else! I intend to leave my past behind me and forge a new life path for myself. Even if it means I have to break a few hearts and break my own in the process. Whatever it takes to move on from one situation after another. I just don't think I'll be able to get through every situation on my own. That's what I'm afraid of. I was once suicidal. I don't want to get back to that, ever. And being left with a situation like my mother will probably be enough to break me. But enough of the negitivity. The point is, I've learned what love is through other people's mistakes, and I intend to instill that into my memory for the sake of a good story.
There are so many things that could go right... so, what about all the possibilities of things going wrong going to happen? It just depends if I meet the right people and in my own time. There's no rush to fall in love and stay in love. But a part of me hopes it will happen soon, despite the fact I'm doing fine on my own. I don't want to be old and still have teenagers for kids. That'll be quite the struggle, indeed. Though my ideals are far from being considered goals, I shall work for a future to sustain myself and just hope the rest comes in later. But I guess the one thing I fear is the divorce rate in the US. I know my life is here, but a lot of negativity hangs over marriage here, with it being devalued and ridiculed. Personally, I don't believe that marriage is just a piece of paper; it is a sign of life-long commitment that isn't for everybody. But I think I'll decide that for myself when the time comes. And I know it will. I just need to hang-on for dear life and hope it doesn't derail me from my potential and my plans. I'm scared, to say the least, that I will never find anybody. And to hell with chasing guys. I want to see if I can even get to that stage in a relationships, and beyond. It makes me nervous to think about it. But if it happens, it happens. Some things are just meant to be, I suppose. But I do think about the viability of such a statement. Perhaps there is such thing as destiny or fate, and that two people truly are made for each other. I wouldn't know anything about it, but I sure would be willing enough to find out. Afterall, you only live once, right? There's nothing more frightening or exciting than love or the joys that it brings to everyone's lives. Though recently, love has been a source of doubt and darkness for me; just like how I always feel when my parents argue or my grandparents yell at each other. I hope this will change once I finally get a life off the net, but who knows what else about me will change? For now I am content with all the Valentine wishes I get from my grandmother, and that I will be happy enough to accept all the changes that my life will bring. But whether it harbors love is a whole different story altogether, don't you think?
So, apparently, I won't be going back to school till this summer or this fall. Which means I have plenty of my hours to spend time doing nothing but leisurely activities. The main problem is which school I'm going to go to. I've been meaning to go to go to CSUB (California State University of Bakersfield), but it seems I won't be able to afford it since the FAFSA government financial support doesn't cover the course with that many units. So I asked my mom if we could try San Joaquin. Turns out, they do have a course for Pharmacy Tech. But the details remain rather ambiguous, so we had to mail them to inquire about further details. The mail arrived a few days ago, and I forwarded it to my mom's email so she would also see what they had to say. But I have to say, I never thought finding a good school that's still affordable could be so difficult. Now I understand what my grandmother had to go through when she could no longer afford to send me to college. And I've also switched courses so many times, I just don't know if I can mentally afford another switch. And I've also been thinking if being a Pharmacy Technician is what I really want to do with my life. So many choices to make, so little time! Also, I've been contemplating how many of my old friends here in the US I want to reinvite to my Facebook. How much of my old life should I recover? I'm rather against having too many friends on Facebook. What I want to do is to keep the people I've been closest to and to keep random people I've never met away from my friendslist. Then there are those people I have on Discord, which is another matter entirely. Anyway, I'm still trying to put the pieces of my life here in America together. Point is, I need to get stuff done, even if its just a social standpoint for now. I've been bored to death mostly. Just spending time infront of the comp while I wait for my family to come home around 5:30PM. I have alot of things to cover with them, including renewing my bank account and trying to fix my ceiling light and camera for my laptop.
My dad keeps telling me I don't know how to do anything by myself for crap, but I intend to prove him wrong. What I have to do is try to learn things one at a time. But my dad talks as if the process of being independent and well-settled happens without anyone to teach me. He expects me to figure things out myself, which isn't unreasonable, but the fact that he refuses to be less hands-on about it shows how much he lacks patience and practical perspectives. Mom is mom about it. I've been doing alot of things during my spare time, including spending time with my siblings. Turns out, my little sister likes 'Card Captor Sakura' and is afraid of 'Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress'. Which is to be expect, but that didn't stop her from watching the final episode of Kabaneri. I'm pleased to say that rewatching these shows have helped me keep in touch with my inner otaku, and I am happy enough here when I spend time with them. I love my family, no matter how different our opinions and points of views are. Though it would be nice if I didn't have to wait around to get things done. Other than wait till they get home, I interact with the cats that live indoors with us. I feed them, pet them and let them out if they ask it of me. Though only 2/3 of the cats go outside. The youngest cat, Charlie, is an indoors cat while the other two (Moshi and MingMing) go outside every once in a while. I also try to remember to feed the dogs, who live in our backyard. They always come running when I open the backdoor to feed them. Good thing its winter, too. Since there's less to almost no ants to raid and eat their food. I content myself with listening to music and just playing games on the iPad. I've been meaning to transfer one of my games to a new device since it keeps blacking out when I try to play it, so I have to remove and reinstall it. Very annoying. They should be able to transfer it now.
So, yes, I've been pretty much isolated and lonely during my entire time here. Sometimes I would forget to eat, so I make something for myself. But most of the time, I just chat with people on the various social medias I'm in. I've been especially considering actually using my Instagram. But I need a better camera and some creative juices.
