For Valentine's day, I would like to share something which I had been so excited to receive this year, which is my 23AndMe DNA Ancestry results. I received it on January, just before my birthday. I did not pay for the whole thing, which included the health option, but since they're going to store my DNA (a.k.a. my spit) for another 10 years, I have time so I can choose to buy it much later. But, I did buy the standard 'Ancestry composition' service, so now I know where my genes come from.
The waves of the sea silently submerge the gathering darkness of the night in their depths,
Flooding the corner at the end of the sky.
The big fish swims across the gap in the dreamscape,
Gazing fixedly at your contours as you sleep deeply.
Look at [how] the sea and the sky are the same color
Hear the rising of the wind and the falling of the rain.
Taking your hand, blowing till the boundless hazy mist over the waters disperses.
The wings of the big fish are already too vast.
I let go of the rope of time.
[I'm] afraid that you will fly far away, afraid that you will leave me.
[I'm] even more afraid that you will remain here forever.
Every drop of tear flows towards you,
Flowing backwards to the seafloor of the sky.
Watching you fly far away, watching you leave me,
So it turns out that you've belonged to the horizon since birth.
Every drop of tear flows towards you,
Flowing backwards to [our] initial encounter.
This is basically going to ba a post about how utterly single I am in such a prolific holiday such as Valentine's Day. Where I'll be seeing posts about love and romance everywhere, I will be alone this year, just as I was last year. Atleast alone as I allow myself to be. There is no other holiday that I have done my best to deflect from thinking about than this particular day. I have always been afraid of love. From the tumultuous relationships I experienced of my grandparents and parents, to my ultimate fear of someone figuring out who or what I am; I have done my best to just let this day pass by like any other day. But, for some reason, I've been feeling compelled to post about it, just to talk about and express my usually silent and secretive perspectives of this day. First off, I find this holiday quite stressful to the eyes and the heart. At least from an emotional standpoint. How can I focus on myself and the road to independence when I have to think about how much I love someone or, for that matter, be forced to think I'm in a dedicated relationship? I cannot fathom myself as a girlfriend or wife of a man I will barely get to know, much less vow to love my whole life. Honestly, I've had so many opportunities to date guys, but they either lose interest or they're just not into being in an actual, meaningful relationship with me. And don't go telling me time matters. Yet, there will always be guys that I simply consider as friends rather than romantic or emotional partners in life. For good reason, too. Now I don't mean to seem picky, but there are things about intimacy that I fear. I will not specifically state my reasons, but they are valid ones. And I refuse to find out the hard way if I'm physically compatible with someone. I'm afraid I'll stumble throughout life with nobody to catch me or remind me that I still have my whole life ahead of me. Then again, such thoughts force me to think stronger thoughts about being alone. It makes me tougher, more durable. Even when I face the future alone and without anybody, it keeps me going. Maybe I'll get tired and collapse from exhaustion, but I know I can get there. Afterall, there's no motivation stronger than the idea of me fending for myself all alone in this self-absorbed world. I won't even rely on people who have come and go in my life, nor those who I think of as mere strangers.
But I will answer the most perplexing riddle that everyone asks at some point in their lives: What is love? Love is many things, but it is not toxic. Love is wonderful and filled with all the things everyone longs for, but it can also bring pain and confusion. It's easily mistaken for loathing, but love is the only thing that makes things bearable. The very state of living can be filled with misconceptions and suffering. And so love is there to bring your spirits up again. There are also many, many kinds of love aswell. From the filial love of parents for their child to the much-coveted romantic love, and of course the saddening one-sided sort of love. There are too many to mention (click on the link to learn about all of it). But whatever form love takes, its a God-given sort of love, and it will never blemish nor fade away. Aslong as we have it, we will consider our lives fulfilled. We are complete. But what does that mean for someone such as myself? I am, afterall, a person who has loved too often and have lost it time and time again. And even then, love continues to evade me in every way possible. For the longest time, I wondered where I will be going with such a loveless future. But I'm still around and fighting, with or without someone to have by my side. Makes me think how long I can keep living like this when I am reminded that I'm grown-up enough to live for myself and by myself. I don't mean to sound like, "I don't need a man" sort of woman, but I am the sort of woman who would decide to be strong and ready for a relationship before I actually get myself in one. But now that I'm ready, I just can't seem to find the right guy who can fit me in any way possible. And screw those guys who married someone else! I intend to leave my past behind me and forge a new life path for myself. Even if it means I have to break a few hearts and break my own in the process. Whatever it takes to move on from one situation after another. I just don't think I'll be able to get through every situation on my own. That's what I'm afraid of. I was once suicidal. I don't want to get back to that, ever. And being left with a situation like my mother will probably be enough to break me. But enough of the negitivity. The point is, I've learned what love is through other people's mistakes, and I intend to instill that into my memory for the sake of a good story.
There are so many things that could go right... so, what about all the possibilities of things going wrong going to happen? It just depends if I meet the right people and in my own time. There's no rush to fall in love and stay in love. But a part of me hopes it will happen soon, despite the fact I'm doing fine on my own. I don't want to be old and still have teenagers for kids. That'll be quite the struggle, indeed. Though my ideals are far from being considered goals, I shall work for a future to sustain myself and just hope the rest comes in later. But I guess the one thing I fear is the divorce rate in the US. I know my life is here, but a lot of negativity hangs over marriage here, with it being devalued and ridiculed. Personally, I don't believe that marriage is just a piece of paper; it is a sign of life-long commitment that isn't for everybody. But I think I'll decide that for myself when the time comes. And I know it will. I just need to hang-on for dear life and hope it doesn't derail me from my potential and my plans. I'm scared, to say the least, that I will never find anybody. And to hell with chasing guys. I want to see if I can even get to that stage in a relationships, and beyond. It makes me nervous to think about it. But if it happens, it happens. Some things are just meant to be, I suppose. But I do think about the viability of such a statement. Perhaps there is such thing as destiny or fate, and that two people truly are made for each other. I wouldn't know anything about it, but I sure would be willing enough to find out. Afterall, you only live once, right? There's nothing more frightening or exciting than love or the joys that it brings to everyone's lives. Though recently, love has been a source of doubt and darkness for me; just like how I always feel when my parents argue or my grandparents yell at each other. I hope this will change once I finally get a life off the net, but who knows what else about me will change? For now I am content with all the Valentine wishes I get from my grandmother, and that I will be happy enough to accept all the changes that my life will bring. But whether it harbors love is a whole different story altogether, don't you think?
So, apparently, I won't be going back to school till this summer or this fall. Which means I have plenty of my hours to spend time doing nothing but leisurely activities. The main problem is which school I'm going to go to. I've been meaning to go to go to CSUB (California State University of Bakersfield), but it seems I won't be able to afford it since the FAFSA government financial support doesn't cover the course with that many units. So I asked my mom if we could try San Joaquin. Turns out, they do have a course for Pharmacy Tech. But the details remain rather ambiguous, so we had to mail them to inquire about further details. The mail arrived a few days ago, and I forwarded it to my mom's email so she would also see what they had to say. But I have to say, I never thought finding a good school that's still affordable could be so difficult. Now I understand what my grandmother had to go through when she could no longer afford to send me to college. And I've also switched courses so many times, I just don't know if I can mentally afford another switch. And I've also been thinking if being a Pharmacy Technician is what I really want to do with my life. So many choices to make, so little time! Also, I've been contemplating how many of my old friends here in the US I want to reinvite to my Facebook. How much of my old life should I recover? I'm rather against having too many friends on Facebook. What I want to do is to keep the people I've been closest to and to keep random people I've never met away from my friendslist. Then there are those people I have on Discord, which is another matter entirely. Anyway, I'm still trying to put the pieces of my life here in America together. Point is, I need to get stuff done, even if its just a social standpoint for now. I've been bored to death mostly. Just spending time infront of the comp while I wait for my family to come home around 5:30PM. I have alot of things to cover with them, including renewing my bank account and trying to fix my ceiling light and camera for my laptop.
My dad keeps telling me I don't know how to do anything by myself for crap, but I intend to prove him wrong. What I have to do is try to learn things one at a time. But my dad talks as if the process of being independent and well-settled happens without anyone to teach me. He expects me to figure things out myself, which isn't unreasonable, but the fact that he refuses to be less hands-on about it shows how much he lacks patience and practical perspectives. Mom is mom about it. I've been doing alot of things during my spare time, including spending time with my siblings. Turns out, my little sister likes 'Card Captor Sakura' and is afraid of 'Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress'. Which is to be expect, but that didn't stop her from watching the final episode of Kabaneri. I'm pleased to say that rewatching these shows have helped me keep in touch with my inner otaku, and I am happy enough here when I spend time with them. I love my family, no matter how different our opinions and points of views are. Though it would be nice if I didn't have to wait around to get things done. Other than wait till they get home, I interact with the cats that live indoors with us. I feed them, pet them and let them out if they ask it of me. Though only 2/3 of the cats go outside. The youngest cat, Charlie, is an indoors cat while the other two (Moshi and MingMing) go outside every once in a while. I also try to remember to feed the dogs, who live in our backyard. They always come running when I open the backdoor to feed them. Good thing its winter, too. Since there's less to almost no ants to raid and eat their food. I content myself with listening to music and just playing games on the iPad. I've been meaning to transfer one of my games to a new device since it keeps blacking out when I try to play it, so I have to remove and reinstall it. Very annoying. They should be able to transfer it now.
So, yes, I've been pretty much isolated and lonely during my entire time here. Sometimes I would forget to eat, so I make something for myself. But most of the time, I just chat with people on the various social medias I'm in. I've been especially considering actually using my Instagram. But I need a better camera and some creative juices.
So, the airplane ride was long and comfy, but I've managed to get back to Bakersfield safe and sound. I've already been here for a few days and so far I have trouble finding things to do as I am left here in the house from 6AM to 5PM all by myself, with nothing but the large cats to keep me company. It's cold and smells like manure outside sometimes, but it's home. It'd be nice to meet and reconnect with my old friends again, and I am left here sad and bored with nothing to do but eat and walk around the otherwise quiet and relatively isolated house. I know this will all change once I get back to school, and I know that I'll be fine once they recheck my ovaries for any malignant forces (since I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries) that dare to threaten my fertility. So far, well-distributed pills and constant monitoring have kept me from the surgery table, but I don't fear it even if they say they'd have to take my entire womb out. I had always never thought of the possibility that I'd never ever have children, which is why I'm doing all I can to make sure I don't turn infertile. That would be such a disappointment in my life if I have to put aside certain my hopes I hold for the future. Whatever the case might be I'm keeping my spirits up and I'm going to do everything within my power to guarantee that that won't happen. I've kept myself busy all the while to prevent myself from panicking, so I've contacted all the people I've wanted to hang out with. Just to keep my mind preoccupied. So far this method has worked, and I am left with a feeling of urgency as I wait for the days when I can have a proper social life again. I've never been much of a partier and I don't drink caffeine nor alcohol, so I suppose I'm not much of an 'outgoing' type of person. But I have talked to people who have experience with this stuff and I know how these things usually roll. I'm not a complete dunce about adult matters after all. But, still, it wouldn't hurt to have firsthand experiences.
I'm here just in time for Christmas, which I know my family celebrates because of we as mixed people who grew up as Filipinos are Christian and, therefore, are part of the majority (as I have learned). Now, I don't have anything against other religions, but I do know how they operate as I have studied parts of both the Quran and Buddhist texts. So I know how foreign these other teachings are compared to my standard Christian beliefs. I don't excuse all the bad things the church has done --- like not sticking to their vow of poverty --- but, I am trying to reclaim the good Christian name. I'm not trying to be anything special, just simply more knowledgeable. Still, that does not excuse my lack of faith in Christmas, which I have failed to celebrate well enough throughout the years. I had to go through one Christmas after another without so much as a second thought or tribute to it, so now I am here writing this blog entry solely dedicated to Christmas and all its wondrous joys. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, mainly cause it involves a big break in the school calendar right before summer break. I am always for education, I will never be against it. And what they teach about Christmas is surprisingly very inaccurate. Like this is supposed to be the day of the year to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it turns out Jesus was probably born around January and not December if they trace the history well enough. Which is overwhelmingly disappointing to those who have been hardcore followers of the Holiday Season. But still, that doesn't mean all this gift-giving and celebrating means nothing. No, if anything it only increases the novelty of the Holidays instead of hindering it. What I know won't change how I feel about a particular way of celebrating or even when it's celebrated. I guess what matters is that it matters to people, to begin with, and not teaching us about things that are immoral or wrong.
There are times when I question the state of my own existence. What are we humans but a passing flit in the endless existence of the cosmos? We are but shadows and dust rendered a pawn in the flow of time and of the ages. It is in the midst of these thoughts that I wonder where I'm going with any of this in the future. If there is even a future to talk about that's worthwhile looking forward to is what I wonder. And yet I know my ceaseless imaginations that I wonder about how much a literal grain of sand can do whilst being amongst the other grains of sand. And that's what we are: we are literally animals carving out a measly existence for ourselves in this speck of a planet. We are big, and yet in all our grandeur and finesse, we are constantly fighting to control, harness and master this world that we live in. But is that all we are ever going to be? Just mere creatures that have no hand in the tides of destiny and fate? No, I believe that we can fight this through, and see how far this world will take us. We have but to choose life over death, and we shall become the masters of our own story. Sure, we may lose countless vestiges of human decency and good culture along the way, but somehow we'll get there, and we will revel in our state of dominance and harmony over everything that threatens our very existence. Atleast I hope so. I have no idea what sort of destination awaits humanity beyond the filter, but somehow I believe that we can make it. It may take practically forever to do so, but I know we can do it. But what would this future even look like? We must consider what works and what doesn't; cull out the imperfections that intend to topple us from our vantage point. There's so much of the junk to begin with, we wouldn't know where to start. Afterall, who knows whether we'll discover faster-than-light travel, or perhaps artificial gravity? Those would be a few of the great hurdles we must face if we are to proliferate beyond this planet. And yet right now we're merely at the 0.7/1 on the civilization scale. We have so many ideas, so much potential. And yet we must learn not to squander it all away for foolish pursuits. But we are all odd in our own way, and who's to say what's worthwhile or not? Maybe it's just a simple matter of pursuing our dreams and listen more closely to what our hearts have to say? I wouldn't know. I'm just a girl blogging about my thoughts of where we as a people will choose to go to as a direction instead of sinking into the depression of being stuck at home with nothing to do.
Still, there's no telling where we'll end-up if we take our aspirations to a whole other level, and there's no telling what sort of future we can create for ourselves. Despite my overall dark perspective in life, I still choose to be an optimist when it concerns the well-being of humanity. While most have already abandoned hope and have become content with their lot in life, I choose to look forward instead of mulling over the past and being angry over things I cannot control. The past is over, there's only room left for the future and it's various implications that most fail to understand are boundless and therefore rebound under our influence. Most people would never even think about the fact that we are but a literal speck in the blip of the grand scheme of things, so is it that hard to imagine a God who sees and knows all things and how they will be? Perhaps for most, it's under the range of impossibility, but I think that reality is alot more mystical than what we give it credit for. And I have found that many of our facts are based solely on our own point-of-view. Regardless, I will see to it that I will experience life to the fullest, no matter what era I was born with, and I will strongly see to it all to the end. Life has too many ups and downs and uncertainties, but I think that if one is determined enough, you can do whatever you set your heart out to do. You just have to stick to it, and never falter. Even the smallest things can alter the course of the future, and the bigger things are just obstacles that we must grasp and learn about in order to overcome. We are afterall not invisible, but open to the world like a child that has just grasped how this world revolves and spins for no one but at the same time for everyone at the same time. Just depends how you would rather see things: As half-empty or half-full. Both are correct, but you can always choose what you want to see. IF all you see ir darkness and despair, that's all you will recieve. But I suppose that people who cling fervently to obtain something are no better-off than those who have nothing. Sometimes learning to let go is what is important, and knowing when to do so. Life is a dance. A dance that you must learn how to do with it's many sways and spins. And only then will you be ready to traverse life as an adult. Like a mad rollercoaster ride, you must learn to keep going without giving up. You may fall, but you still get up. And each and every time, I always choose to keep going. I want to be stronger and surpass myself, as only I get in the way between success and failure.
I have learned all of this the hard way, and I now know the error of my ways. I will not yield to falsehood and mockery, but to faith and love. It seems foolish, but this is the only way I know I'm going to keep going without questioning too much about myself. And yet when I do think about it, certain things have already happened and there's no way for me to turn back. No matter how small and insignifianct I am, I wonder if God will ever forgive me for the things I have said and done. And, above all, if I am able to forgive myself for these things which I cannot speak of. My very existance is a bane to those who live a more carefree life, yet I choose to think about what happened in the past rather than simply reconcile with it. Maybe, in away, I'm not completely over these events. But I refuse to forget about any of it. These memories ara part of who I am, and no matter how small I am or how people see me, I shall continue to look at the bigger things rathar than mope about the samll things that have already come to pass.
Ever had your mother become so sad at the notion that you could die during or after childbirth? That's what happened with my mom. Oh mother, you really need to relax. I mean, what are the chances that what you say will come true just because you had a friend who had almost undergone such a capricious fate? I'm not as convinced that I'll die so suddenly. But mothers have an uncanny way of being able to tell if something will tend to happen or not. I'm personally made sure that I won't die in such an uneventful manner. I'd rather die old and in my sleep. Still, one can never tell what the future holds, merely what path you intend to trek on your way down. Makes me wonder what all the possibilities my life can go through. I'll never know till I live it, and I'll never fully figure-out who I am until I walk down a path that can only be mine. There's no denying that tragic things COULD happen, but I'd rather not dampen your spirits if I start talking about the endless cycle that it life and death.
Still, there's no end to my babble if I keep discussing why my life is as weird as anybody else's. There's no reason to see why life and death are all a matter of perspective, for life cannot go on without death, and death would not exist without life. There's no reason to see why everything is connected the way they are. It's just the way things have always been. Those who have seen death or have a life riddled with death tend to suffer alot, and so those who have seen life at it bravest and boldest will often be shocked at the notion that death can sweep them away at any moment. But not me. As I have grown from a small child to a full-fledged adult, I have come to realize the importance of both aspects of life, even though death is always labelled as the 'criminal' while like is seen as the 'victim'.
First and foremost, I would like to say that there's nothing wrong with seeing the patterns of existence in this way. Death is often blamed as the bad guy, while life is considered the 'good' side of everything. But just as light cannot stand without the darkness, life and death can never be separated. They fundamentally intertwined with each other's destinies, and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. It is merely the status quo of the nature of the cycle. But I suppose while we're all alive and well, it's best to seize the joyous occasion that is life, even though death is always right behind every step of the way.
I finally found a game I would like to play. It's called Black Desert Online and it's absolutely amazing. The downside is that it doesn't have any nearby servers in the Philippines, which means not all countries get to have access to it. I tried to download it using a VPN (virtual private network) and, so far, I had to uninstall it due to the fact that my stuff on my computer could be stolen and used against me. I'm just going to have to wait till I get back to the U.S. in order for me to play it fully. I met a friend on Gaia that would play with me if I was able, so I can't wait to try it and be able to try it out myself.
LYRICS:
Sharona re michina, charera no'ha
Latenta no mevina, sanela santo tere
Ano teri nara, shento mea'aha me'eari
Ste namari, shelete narata noshari
Sa nate, te narato
Vasho ki
Shatyoha re mevina, chareya no'ha
Latenta no mevina, sanela santo tere
Ano tere nara, shento mea'aha teriardi
Ste namari, shelete narata toshchari
Sa nate, te narato
I've been having weird, vivid dreams recently. Sometimes the dream feels so real it felt like an actual memory.
Here is a list of what I have dreamt about in an expanse of a few months:
1. I had a dream where a person I know knelt next to my bed.
2. I dreamt someone kissed me while laying on a blanket.
3. I had a dream someone tried to cut-off my wings with a knife.
4. I dreamt I was standing in the aisle with a guy wearing a suite.
5. I dreamt I broke one of our ceramic cups. I was balancing it on a plate and it fell and shattered as it hit the ground.
It's funny how my dreams sometimes makes no sense and may seem completely random. Yet, they can impact me so intensely, just like seeing an impressionable movie or reading a touching book. Each of these dreams occurred to me so realistically, it feels like I was actually there. What's even stranger is that even though I was aware that I wasn't alone in my dreams, I STILL couldn't tell who I was with. I have a feeling I knew these people, but I can't be 100% sure who they were. Some dreams stick to my memory, while others slowly fade into obscurity. I even know the location of the dream for a few of them.
In my first dream, I was sleeping on my bed and then a flash image occurred where someone was kneeling down close to my bed, watching me sleep. I should be freaked out that someone was with me in the middle of then night, but instead I rather felt safe and secure with this person. He also tried to advance on me slowly, but I suddenly woke up before it could transpire.
The second dream I had, I dreamt I was kissing somebody (most likely a guy) and we were laying on a blanket. The blanket was cream colored and I could see patterns from it, but since we were both busy I couldn't focus on it, obviously. What I tried to make-out from the dream was who the guy was. In my heart, I felt like I knew who he was... but I can't say anything for certain.
In my third dream I dreamt that I was unconscious and was at a unknown location in the middle of a forest. I seemed to have crash-landed there as I was surrounded by broken tree branches and a small crater was beneath me. Then someone approached me and took out a pocket-knife. They started cutting into the wings on my back, starting from the right joint. It hurt so much. I could actually feel the blade digging into my very solid and real flesh.
The fourth dream it was more like a vision than an actual dream, and it was weird seeing as I knew where I was. I was in the local church of my village, standing at the aisle with a guy who's face I couldn't see cause the 'camera' was facing his back and I could see myself standing with him on the opposite side. It seemed we were getting married. Now, this dream really freaked me out more then the others as I was still sort of conscious and then this random flash of a short-moving picture immediately entered my head without any viable reason whatsoever.
The fifth dream was where I was delivering one of our typical ceramic, glazed blue mugs to the kitchen. I placed it ontop of a plate and carried it using the said plate, then I lost my balance and the plate shook when my right hand faltered. The cup fell with a shattering crash and busted into a million pieces, leaving me dazed and confused as I clean it up. Now what's interesting to note is that I broke a cup before in the exact same manner, breaking our miniature 'shot' cup with the mango prints on it after a math tutoring session.
It is the official start of summer. It's only been 3 weeks into the summer, so I have plenty of time to sleep and eat at leisure. But aide from having lots of free time, I have also been trying to find a job in an online English teaching hub called 51Talk. It'll be quite the challenge, but I'm confident I can do it. My grandmother is also working with 51Talk and regularly teaches little kids. She uses my stuffed animals and various other props she gets from me (aswell as stuff she bought specifically for her students) to help her boost the learning experience of the child. I hope to be also be able to do the same, and with that comes the natural inclination to get paid. The more class bookings you get, the higher and more frequent the pay. Ever since I moved here my grandmother has been struggling to get me to go to school. Now I have to repay her back by working and be able to pay for myself. Every night my grandfather complains that I shouldn't be living in this house since I can't afford myself, which is the reason why I'm eager to show them that I can be independent and strong and reliable. I shouldn't fail now. I just so happened to take the technical and the PSO orientation recently, and I passed them all by far. I can't wait to take the next step which will take place on April 2.
"He that offereth sacrifice of the goods of the poor is as one that sacrificeth the son in the presence of his father."
The one weakness I seem to possess is the inability to learn math quickly. Sure, if you show me how to do it then I might be able to figure it all out myself later on. But so far, I've been needing a tutor for math for the most part. Somehow I managed to survive algebra and geometry with flying colors. They were easy. But trigonometry and calculus? I already feel like I'm drowning in a permanent state of doom. I've forgiven myself for being terrible at math for so many years, only to run into the same problems I had from the very start. There are no words to express how much I've been needing help with math on a frequent basis. Which is why I dread taking calculus in the U.S. so very badly. So far I'm surviving statistics and trigonometry all right. My grades are definitely above the 75% mark, but I'm not sure how long I can take acting like I know what I'm doing cause', for honestly the most part, I don't. I was relieved that I managed to get a 27 for my midterm test. But I feel like it's only going to go downhill from here. How bad can it get? I couldn't differentiate from teta to x and y for a long time. It was all just a bunch of jumbled gibberish to me. But as I go deeper into the whole nature of math, I realize it's actually a very fascinating way to see the world. But, still, whatever fascination I hold does not help me learn it well or any faster. Sometimes in my state of fear of not being able to pass my math classes, I get super depressed and I become absent-minded about everything else. My attempts to perfect my math is usually met by feeling tons of frustration and then a deep sense of inadequacy. Not only does math play a big role in my studies, it's also indispensable when it comes to everyday uses and understanding concepts.
" Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence. "
I also have another important thing to note as a way to catch-up on so many years of being absent from this blog. I am now a big sister to my younger sister, Julienne Eve. She was born around December and I love her to death. She is around atleast 20-years younger than me. She likes to call me 'sissy' and people are having a hard time understanding her baby-talk so I talk to her myself and I seemed to be able to understand her. For the most part. She has these chubby cheeks and a tannish skintone aswell as long fingers and a talks with a slight slight lisp. She cried whenever I disappear from our webcam chats and she always tells me she misses me. I love her like I love my brother 'Drey' and my parents always gives her an iPad which she always breaks so they have to replace the screen repeatedly. I want to spend time with her the more I realize how much I miss her. Children are at the most impressionable when they're young and sensitive, so I want to be able to give her a notable childhood by spending time with her. I wonder what it's like to see the world in the eyes of a child. It's been a while since I tried to remember the feeling of being so young. Anyway, I have to be around her if I can get back to the U.S. since I'm probably going to live with my parents again and I hope she doesn't forget about me.
I have less than a few months of staying here in Iloilo. I have no idea if I'm supposed to take a certain class just so I don't have to repeat it. I want to finish as much as I can so I can spend time with me younger siblings. Though I have no idea what it's like to live with children since I have been an only child for 14-years till my brother was born. It should be an interesting experience to be the big sister and keep them safe and happy and well-fed. That's the good news. the bad news is that I can't take my turtles with me. I have been hoping they would allow me tp bring them, but since they're considered an endangered species they have to stay in the Philippines. I am completely heart-broken by this since I have to leave them to other people to take care of them. My last turtle drowned because they placed too much water in the pale where it lived. I hope that doesn't happen to my current collection as they have their own little habitat made from concrete and that the water can be drained if it's too much. I'm more worried about who and what they will feed them since I won't be around.
I am not happy about leaving my pets here. But, atleast I get to see my family again. I don't want to say family is more important to my pets cause I try to keep my love the same for everyone, but I have no other choice since they can't be bought to the States.
There are days when I wish the weekend would never end. Especially since I have Literature, English, Ethics and Trigonometry tests on Monday. But, instead, I decided to choose to blog about my inactivity and my overall opinions on the matter instead of studying. There are a ton of things I would like to talk about and cover in my blog (such as clothes, food and friends), but I shall choose to talk about the more important things, like what I have already learned both in and out of school. I learned that love isn't hard to find, but learning to love someone is. I learned that people aren't always what they seem, and sometimes some are more predictable than others. I have also learned that making friends is easy, but keeping in-touch with them and maintaining that friendships takes quite a bit of effort placed into it. Some people are meant for me, some are designated to be with someone else, and that it's crucial to remember that even if they choose someone else besides me, I should take it as light-heartedly as i can and wish them all the happiness in the world. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being forced to be with someone who isn't meant for you, and it can only lead to pain and anguish and negativity. I have learned that some friends are meant to stay in your life, and some are meant to go separate ways with you. I try my best not to burden anyone with my presence, so that I don't have to be the odd one out. I noticed that I tend to push others away if I feel like they won't fit with me, and I now know that there's only on way to earn one's independence and at the same time enjoy my own company. Life is full of struggles, but I have learned to fight through it and stick to what is important to me, no matter the cost. Things may change, sure, but that doesn't mean I have to remove the softness in my heart and give-in to hate and anger. Even though it frustrates me if someone doesn't understand me (or, worse, intentionally misunderstand me completely), I have to know how to tell them how I feel and know how can these kinds of situations be avoided. I'm always first to let go if things go wrong, so I don't have to witness the house burn down to the ground. This is what happens when I don't study. I start guessing and then things start falling apart. But, so far, I only study if it's a particular interest to me. It's really hard to study things that don't quip my curiosity. And what sparks my interest is the lessons I have so far learned in life. It may not be about practical knowledge, but it's a subject that I keep in my heart at all cost.
There's the saying that goes: "Elephants never forget". And, I have attested that that saying is somewhat true. I'm not trying to say I'm an elephant who remembers everything, but what is true about it is that there are some things that the heart remembers things which the mind cannot fully understand. The heart sees and feels things the mind does not always perceive, and that includes all the things that I have ever experienced in life. Some things are painful to remember, some things are more easily remembered if given enough time, yet there are many things that I cannot memorize on a whim. This is why I wish the weekend could give me more time to study, so that I'm more prepared. But I suppose all the things I memorized doesn't compare to how I understand such problems to begin with. Remembering something isn't quite the same as understanding the subject matter, and so I am left with no other option than to search the internet for certain kinds of interpretations. This is where I found myself when I started studying, but for some reason I ended-up blogging this instead. I suppose there's been alot of things on my mind which I can't let go, but I know that with enough time I can move on and be glad of the time I spent together with those people instead of never meeting and spending time together at all. I used to think memories were trivial things: they always reminding me of a certain time in my life which I can't take back. But now I know that it's best to learn something from my experiences instead of shying away from it altogether. There's much to be admired in a person who uses their own weaknesses to their advantage. And, now I see that I want to be able to look back at my life and admire all that I've been through and all the positive things I have pieced together in my heart rather then denying all of it. I don't want to harden against the cruelty of my dreary past, but rather be enlightened with the sole reminder of such memories. Being happy is the main reason why we remember things, and I knew something was wrong with me since I found no joy in remembering them, but instead it all made me feel hurt, sad and angry. But now I know that memories can help me form a better understanding of myself and why I feel these things the way I do.
Look at me, reminiscing and pondering such topics during the end of the weekend... and right before a test. Guess I still haven't learned to manage my time correctly. I can be such a mess. But, whatever, I just have to remember these facts and chant it like some holy mantra till I memorize everything. Should be a piece of cake, right?
"The heart sees things the eyes sometimes cannot see."
So far school has been okay; we just finished midterms a couple of weeks ago and everything is predictable so far. We get the occasional quiz and oral recitation every now and then. In Theology we had to recite the 10 Commandments and on Argumentation & Debate class we had a real debate between two separate factions in our class. I've been thinking alot about how the path of my career is supposed to go and what route I should take. It turns out I have to finish summer school and take my Bio-Sci class before I can continue as a veterinary technician. Some part of me just wants to stay and finish my 'Foreign Service' course. But the call to go back to the states has never been more crucial since my grandmother can't afford me anymore and my grandfather is getting impatient with the whole situation. There's a ton of things I would like to do before I can possibly go back to the U.S., but I suppose the return is now fundamental inevitability. Atleast I get to see my siblings, and I do miss them a great deal. Especially my sister, who is very sweet and loving. She misses me alot and cries when I leave the camera whenever we use Facetime. My parents visited us just months ago in 2017, and I got to see them again. It's sometimes hard to believe I'm the eldest, even though there are many characteristics I maintain that are relatively 'child-like'. It's like they just enjoy bashing me for these traits that are purely tied to genetics. It's like they just love to blame me for things I cannot help. But aslong as they leave me to do the things I like, I couldn't care less about what they think of me. They are just haters who have nothing better to do with their time but be pathetic and spiteful. There's no limit to how many people are like that, and I just do what is natural to me and avoid conflict. I hate fighting about pointless things, which is what most haters tend to aim at. They would rather stick to their old ways rather than see the truth of the matter. But, aslong as I can continue with my life and be able to afford myself what I need and my desires, I'm fine and happy. But, no one gets away with threatening me and my peace of mind. I let the universe do it's work and let the flow of time ebb them away. But ,aside from people who bother me, I just want to have stable set of friends that I'm close to. Perhaps this is why have people to hate me: I only keep a certain amount of friends on my roster, and I'm happy with just that. Someone once told me that I shouldn't care about people who don't care about me, and I believe he is speaking the truth. I just want to grow up and start working. Which is why I'm getting into my Bio-Sci class as soon as I am able to take it. I don't want to waste my time with people who assume too much or don't respect anyone else other than themselves. Or, worse, have some ulterior motive to be nice to me. I may come-off as selfish to some, but I'm just trying to protect myself and my self-interest and be happy during my alone times. I'm not particularly fond of crowds, and so I like my peace and quiet ever now and again. Call me an introvert, but that's simply what defines me and not what others say about me.
I plan to finish school and probably even graduate early if I can help it. I've lost enough time already during our travel throughout the U.S.. From the West Coast to the East Coast. It was tiring and full of drama, but I'm finally able to live where I'm meant to be, and I hope I can be just as successful there as I am here. It's funny cause' as I'm typing all this out I remember I still have homework to do. I guess I better cut this entry short and finish what I'm supposed to do. But this won't be my last post, as I have said before I want to put this blog back in order. As I do my work I listen to old Chinese songs about war, love and warm fires at the countryside. Songs like these always bring back good times, and I know I have plenty more good times ahead of me for me to experience. It would be nice to hangout with my old friends, even though it's been a while since I last saw them. As I get older, I realize it's not as important to be part of the waving trend, but to cherish my relationships since everyone deserves to be happy with their lot in life. I am definitely content with myself and the people around me, and I hope it can only get better. There are times when I doubt myself and feel terrible with my lack of physical prowess, but I learned it's what's in the mind that counts, and that fighting for the petty things will certainly get me nowhere real fast. I hate arguing, too. I simply can't take that kind of negative energy, and I find that I cringe away from it as much as the next person who desires something more healthy. I don't mind the occasional food-for-thought, but arguing over something a person believes in, while absolutely refuses to see the light of reason, I just find myself looking the other way and leave without any hesitation. I'm a naturally aggressive person, but that doesn't mean I want to fight over trivial things. I just want to feel peace and enlightenment, and I won't get this from materialistic hoarders who seek nothing else besides social strife and validation from others. I know this is a no-win situation, regardless if I point out their lack of substantiation and invalid points. I used to be part of that emo-rock scene as a teen, but after going through numerous phases of my life, I've learned that there are better things to emulate instead of just rebellion and negative emotions. There are many times when I look back during those times and think that I've had a good run and I feel content that I lived through all the things I went through. Life now is definitely better than it used to be, but I feel that there are things I can improve on to make it a little better. I can only hope that I can keep living with love in my heart and a courageous smile on my face. Bravery is NOT for the frail of heart, and I know that continuing to face life with optimism is what enables me to keep going. Life will always have it's ups and downs, but that doesn't mean that I intend to sway with the waves. I must be strong and unyielding if I am to succeed with my endeavors. Alot of things could go wrong and I could die any day, but I must be confident that I can pull-through whatever obstacles that stand in my way. Even if it means giving up certain things along the way.
Musing through memories
Losing my grip in the grey
Numbing the senses
I feel you slipping away
Fighting to hold on
Clinging to just one more day
Love turns to ashes
With all that I wish I could say
I'd die to be where you are
I tried to be where you are
Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here
Hidden companion
Phantom be still in my heart
Make me a promise that
Time won't erase us
That we were not lost from the start
I'd die to be where you are
I tried to be where you are
Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here
Ever slightly out of reach
I dream you're still here
But it breaks so easily
I try to protect you
I can't let you fade
I feel you slipping
I feel you slipping away
Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here
It's feels good to be done with a certain part of my life. Even though there are plenty of things I'm going to miss about that stage, I am glad all of that is behind me now. I remember how we all threw our hats in the air after the ceremony. Good times, indeed.
