12/12/18
Hello, America!
So, the airplane ride was long and comfy, but I've managed to get back to Bakersfield safe and sound. I've already been here for a few days and so far I have trouble finding things to do as I am left here in the house from 6AM to 5PM all by myself, with nothing but the large cats to keep me company. It's cold and smells like manure outside sometimes, but it's home. It'd be nice to meet and reconnect with my old friends again, and I am left here sad and bored with nothing to do but eat and walk around the otherwise quiet and relatively isolated house. I know this will all change once I get back to school, and I know that I'll be fine once they recheck my ovaries for any malignant forces (since I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries) that dare to threaten my fertility. So far, well-distributed pills and constant monitoring have kept me from the surgery table, but I don't fear it even if they say they'd have to take my entire womb out. I had always never thought of the possibility that I'd never ever have children, which is why I'm doing all I can to make sure I don't turn infertile. That would be such a disappointment in my life if I have to put aside certain my hopes I hold for the future. Whatever the case might be I'm keeping my spirits up and I'm going to do everything within my power to guarantee that that won't happen. I've kept myself busy all the while to prevent myself from panicking, so I've contacted all the people I've wanted to hang out with. Just to keep my mind preoccupied. So far this method has worked, and I am left with a feeling of urgency as I wait for the days when I can have a proper social life again. I've never been much of a partier and I don't drink caffeine nor alcohol, so I suppose I'm not much of an 'outgoing' type of person. But I have talked to people who have experience with this stuff and I know how these things usually roll. I'm not a complete dunce about adult matters after all. But, still, it wouldn't hurt to have firsthand experiences.
I'm here just in time for Christmas, which I know my family celebrates because of we as mixed people who grew up as Filipinos are Christian and, therefore, are part of the majority (as I have learned). Now, I don't have anything against other religions, but I do know how they operate as I have studied parts of both the Quran and Buddhist texts. So I know how foreign these other teachings are compared to my standard Christian beliefs. I don't excuse all the bad things the church has done --- like not sticking to their vow of poverty --- but, I am trying to reclaim the good Christian name. I'm not trying to be anything special, just simply more knowledgeable. Still, that does not excuse my lack of faith in Christmas, which I have failed to celebrate well enough throughout the years. I had to go through one Christmas after another without so much as a second thought or tribute to it, so now I am here writing this blog entry solely dedicated to Christmas and all its wondrous joys. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, mainly cause it involves a big break in the school calendar right before summer break. I am always for education, I will never be against it. And what they teach about Christmas is surprisingly very inaccurate. Like this is supposed to be the day of the year to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it turns out Jesus was probably born around January and not December if they trace the history well enough. Which is overwhelmingly disappointing to those who have been hardcore followers of the Holiday Season. But still, that doesn't mean all this gift-giving and celebrating means nothing. No, if anything it only increases the novelty of the Holidays instead of hindering it. What I know won't change how I feel about a particular way of celebrating or even when it's celebrated. I guess what matters is that it matters to people, to begin with, and not teaching us about things that are immoral or wrong.
11/1/18
Invisible
There are times when I question the state of my own existence. What are we humans but a passing flit in the endless existence of the cosmos? We are but shadows and dust rendered a pawn in the flow of time and of the ages. It is in the midst of these thoughts that I wonder where I'm going with any of this in the future. If there is even a future to talk about that's worthwhile looking forward to is what I wonder. And yet I know my ceaseless imaginations that I wonder about how much a literal grain of sand can do whilst being amongst the other grains of sand. And that's what we are: we are literally animals carving out a measly existence for ourselves in this speck of a planet. We are big, and yet in all our grandeur and finesse, we are constantly fighting to control, harness and master this world that we live in. But is that all we are ever going to be? Just mere creatures that have no hand in the tides of destiny and fate? No, I believe that we can fight this through, and see how far this world will take us. We have but to choose life over death, and we shall become the masters of our own story. Sure, we may lose countless vestiges of human decency and good culture along the way, but somehow we'll get there, and we will revel in our state of dominance and harmony over everything that threatens our very existence. Atleast I hope so. I have no idea what sort of destination awaits humanity beyond the filter, but somehow I believe that we can make it. It may take practically forever to do so, but I know we can do it. But what would this future even look like? We must consider what works and what doesn't; cull out the imperfections that intend to topple us from our vantage point. There's so much of the junk to begin with, we wouldn't know where to start. Afterall, who knows whether we'll discover faster-than-light travel, or perhaps artificial gravity? Those would be a few of the great hurdles we must face if we are to proliferate beyond this planet. And yet right now we're merely at the 0.7/1 on the civilization scale. We have so many ideas, so much potential. And yet we must learn not to squander it all away for foolish pursuits. But we are all odd in our own way, and who's to say what's worthwhile or not? Maybe it's just a simple matter of pursuing our dreams and listen more closely to what our hearts have to say? I wouldn't know. I'm just a girl blogging about my thoughts of where we as a people will choose to go to as a direction instead of sinking into the depression of being stuck at home with nothing to do.
Still, there's no telling where we'll end-up if we take our aspirations to a whole other level, and there's no telling what sort of future we can create for ourselves. Despite my overall dark perspective in life, I still choose to be an optimist when it concerns the well-being of humanity. While most have already abandoned hope and have become content with their lot in life, I choose to look forward instead of mulling over the past and being angry over things I cannot control. The past is over, there's only room left for the future and it's various implications that most fail to understand are boundless and therefore rebound under our influence. Most people would never even think about the fact that we are but a literal speck in the blip of the grand scheme of things, so is it that hard to imagine a God who sees and knows all things and how they will be? Perhaps for most, it's under the range of impossibility, but I think that reality is alot more mystical than what we give it credit for. And I have found that many of our facts are based solely on our own point-of-view. Regardless, I will see to it that I will experience life to the fullest, no matter what era I was born with, and I will strongly see to it all to the end. Life has too many ups and downs and uncertainties, but I think that if one is determined enough, you can do whatever you set your heart out to do. You just have to stick to it, and never falter. Even the smallest things can alter the course of the future, and the bigger things are just obstacles that we must grasp and learn about in order to overcome. We are afterall not invisible, but open to the world like a child that has just grasped how this world revolves and spins for no one but at the same time for everyone at the same time. Just depends how you would rather see things: As half-empty or half-full. Both are correct, but you can always choose what you want to see. IF all you see ir darkness and despair, that's all you will recieve. But I suppose that people who cling fervently to obtain something are no better-off than those who have nothing. Sometimes learning to let go is what is important, and knowing when to do so. Life is a dance. A dance that you must learn how to do with it's many sways and spins. And only then will you be ready to traverse life as an adult. Like a mad rollercoaster ride, you must learn to keep going without giving up. You may fall, but you still get up. And each and every time, I always choose to keep going. I want to be stronger and surpass myself, as only I get in the way between success and failure.
I have learned all of this the hard way, and I now know the error of my ways. I will not yield to falsehood and mockery, but to faith and love. It seems foolish, but this is the only way I know I'm going to keep going without questioning too much about myself. And yet when I do think about it, certain things have already happened and there's no way for me to turn back. No matter how small and insignifianct I am, I wonder if God will ever forgive me for the things I have said and done. And, above all, if I am able to forgive myself for these things which I cannot speak of. My very existance is a bane to those who live a more carefree life, yet I choose to think about what happened in the past rather than simply reconcile with it. Maybe, in away, I'm not completely over these events. But I refuse to forget about any of it. These memories ara part of who I am, and no matter how small I am or how people see me, I shall continue to look at the bigger things rathar than mope about the samll things that have already come to pass.
9/25/18
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