Valentine's Day

The Different Kinds/Types of Love

This is basically going to ba a post about how utterly single I am in such a prolific holiday such as Valentine's Day. Where I'll be seeing posts about love and romance everywhere, I will be alone this year, just as I was last year. Atleast alone as I allow myself to be. There is no other holiday that I have done my best to deflect from thinking about than this particular day. I have always been afraid of love. From the tumultuous relationships I experienced of my grandparents and parents, to my ultimate fear of someone figuring out who or what I am; I have done my best to just let this day pass by like any other day. But, for some reason, I've been feeling compelled to post about it, just to talk about and express my usually silent and secretive perspectives of this day. First off, I find this holiday quite stressful to the eyes and the heart. At least from an emotional standpoint. How can I focus on myself and the road to independence when I have to think about how much I love someone or, for that matter, be forced to think I'm in a dedicated relationship? I cannot fathom myself as a girlfriend or wife of a man I will barely get to know, much less vow to love my whole life. Honestly, I've had so many opportunities to date guys, but they either lose interest or they're just not into being in an actual, meaningful relationship with me. And don't go telling me time matters. Yet, there will always be guys that I simply consider as friends rather than romantic or emotional partners in life. For good reason, too. Now I don't mean to seem picky, but there are things about intimacy that I fear. I will not specifically state my reasons, but they are valid ones. And I refuse to find out the hard way if I'm physically compatible with someone. I'm afraid I'll stumble throughout life with nobody to catch me or remind me that I still have my whole life ahead of me. Then again, such thoughts force me to think stronger thoughts about being alone. It makes me tougher, more durable. Even when I face the future alone and without anybody, it keeps me going. Maybe I'll get tired and collapse from exhaustion, but I know I can get there. Afterall, there's no motivation stronger than the idea of me fending for myself all alone in this self-absorbed world. I won't even rely on people who have come and go in my life, nor those who I think of as mere strangers.

But I will answer the most perplexing riddle that everyone asks at some point in their lives: What is love? Love is many things, but it is not toxic. Love is wonderful and filled with all the things everyone longs for, but it can also bring pain and confusion. It's easily mistaken for loathing, but love is the only thing that makes things bearable. The very state of living can be filled with misconceptions and suffering. And so love is there to bring your spirits up again. There are also many, many kinds of love aswell. From the filial love of parents for their child to the much-coveted romantic love, and of course the saddening one-sided sort of love. There are too many to mention (click on the link to learn about all of it). But whatever form love takes, its a God-given sort of love, and it will never blemish nor fade away. Aslong as we have it, we will consider our lives fulfilled. We are complete. But what does that mean for someone such as myself? I am, afterall, a person who has loved too often and have lost it time and time again. And even then, love continues to evade me in every way possible. For the longest time, I wondered where I will be going with such a loveless future. But I'm still around and fighting, with or without someone to have by my side. Makes me think how long I can keep living like this when I am reminded that I'm grown-up enough to live for myself and by myself. I don't mean to sound like, "I don't need a man" sort of woman, but I am the sort of woman who would decide to be strong and ready for a relationship before I actually get myself in one. But now that I'm ready, I just can't seem to find the right guy who can fit me in any way possible. And screw those guys who married someone else! I intend to leave my past behind me and forge a new life path for myself. Even if it means I have to break a few hearts and break my own in the process. Whatever it takes to move on from one situation after another. I just don't think I'll be able to get through every situation on my own. That's what I'm afraid of. I was once suicidal. I don't want to get back to that, ever. And being left with a situation like my mother will probably be enough to break me. But enough of the negitivity. The point is, I've learned what love is through other people's mistakes, and I intend to instill that into my memory for the sake of a good story.

There are so many things that could go right... so, what about all the possibilities of things going wrong going to happen? It just depends if I meet the right people and in my own time. There's no rush to fall in love and stay in love. But a part of me hopes it will happen soon, despite the fact I'm doing fine on my own. I don't want to be old and still have teenagers for kids. That'll be quite the struggle, indeed. Though my ideals are far from being considered goals, I shall work for a future to sustain myself and just hope the rest comes in later. But I guess the one thing I fear is the divorce rate in the US. I know my life is here, but a lot of negativity hangs over marriage here, with it being devalued and ridiculed. Personally, I don't believe that marriage is just a piece of paper; it is a sign of life-long commitment that isn't for everybody. But I think I'll decide that for myself when the time comes. And I know it will. I just need to hang-on for dear life and hope it doesn't derail me from my potential and my plans. I'm scared, to say the least, that I will never find anybody. And to hell with chasing guys. I want to see if I can even get to that stage in a relationships, and beyond. It makes me nervous to think about it. But if it happens, it happens. Some things are just meant to be, I suppose. But I do think about the viability of such a statement. Perhaps there is such thing as destiny or fate, and that two people truly are made for each other. I wouldn't know anything about it, but I sure would be willing enough to find out. Afterall, you only live once, right? There's nothing more frightening or exciting than love or the joys that it brings to everyone's lives. Though recently, love has been a source of doubt and darkness for me; just like how I always feel when my parents argue or my grandparents yell at each other. I hope this will change once I finally get a life off the net, but who knows what else about me will change? For now I am content with all the Valentine wishes I get from my grandmother, and that I will be happy enough to accept all the changes that my life will bring. But whether it harbors love is a whole different story altogether, don't you think?