Still Here

Still Here
By Digital Daggers


Musing through memories
Losing my grip in the grey
Numbing the senses
I feel you slipping away
Fighting to hold on
Clinging to just one more day
Love turns to ashes
With all that I wish I could say


I'd die to be where you are
I tried to be where you are


Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here


Hidden companion
Phantom be still in my heart
Make me a promise that
Time won't erase us
That we were not lost from the start


I'd die to be where you are
I tried to be where you are


Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here


Ever slightly out of reach
I dream you're still here
But it breaks so easily
I try to protect you
I can't let you fade
I feel you slipping
I feel you slipping away


Every night, I dream you're still here
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear
When I awake, you'll disappear
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear
With all I hold dear
I dream you're still here
I dream you're still here

My Highschool Graduation

It's feels good to be done with a certain part of my life. Even though there are plenty of things I'm going to miss about that stage, I am glad all of that is behind me now. I remember how we all threw our hats in the air after the ceremony. Good times, indeed.

Catching Up

There are a ton of things to tell.
Here is My List:
- I got a hemorrhoidectomy.
- We won a flat-screen TV from the Lotto.
- I got pet turtles now.
- Been roleplaying on Gaia nowadays.
- Got into Western music.

#1

Nothing beats the open skies. Seeing a clear-blue backdrop that changes to a gloomy-grey one almost immediately makes me wish I was back in California this very second. I can have several days of not bathing and still not stink of human sweat and other bodily fluids (that's how I keep my scalp from going dry and flaky). Though as rancid as it sounds, I do enjoy 2-hour-long baths. I know, very excessive. But, I can't help washing my hair languidly with shampoo and conditioner as much as the next person. It makes me feel great as opposed to feeling like the time I got my hemorrhoids removed. That was definitely not a fun time. A couple of years ago that's exactly what happened to me. I couldn't take feeling pain from within any longer, and after failing to expel waste I had to go in for a checkup regarding my hemorrhoids. I've been able to bear the pain up until then, but I have never experienced the instance where I couldn't use the toilet altogether. That's when I realized there was something really, really wrong. It turned out the damn thing swelled and had to be removed. While the doctor was describing to me what he was going to do to to remove it, I simply couldn't help myself and asked, "Why not just remove all three of them?". Then he began telling me how the skin needed something to hold onto so that the lining doesn't get too thin. I nodded passively in agreement. Yet the funny part wasn't the immense pain due to the fact that hemorrhoidectomy is one of the most painful operations, or the fact that I absolutely had no one to tell my misfortunes to, and not even when my dad had to pay the full price for such a surgery. It was after the surgery when it was all over and done with was when the doctor told me he ended-up deciding to remove all three dangling pieces of flesh that stretched and tore whenever I had to go. My face turned stone-cold from the shock of what he told me: "I took out all three of them!" with a hearty chuckle. That was probably the most silent and expressionless form of shock I had ever expressed.

#2

The next one is about the time I won a TV from the Lotto. We play the Lotto on a regular and annual basis, but this was the first time we had ever actually won something. I had absolutely no hand in it, however, as I was not actually there when we were supposed to write our names down and throw it into the wooden box. It was a mere coincidence that they just so happened to grab a ticket with my name in it; courtesy of my grandfather Buddy who signed them and placed my name in one of them. You can imagine my surprise when they came home with a heavy box that contained the '24E2000D' 24-inch Skyworth LED TY. My grandpa called me a 'lucky girl' and then proceeded to tell his friends and co-workers that HE won it instead. Not that it bothered me, since I wasn't even aware that they had written down my name for me instead of their own. So, in way, he really did have a reason to brag.

#3

The next on my list is about my new pets. I had bought 5 regular-sized turtles for 100 pesos each, and I have named them 'Landon', 'Twilight', 'Brock', 'Citronella' and 'Akata' respectively. Shortly after getting them accustomed to their new home, my grandpa Buddy bought me two more miniature turtles for my room since I kept my original 5 in a laundry basket in my bathroom. But the little buggers figured out how to climb it and so I had to find another way to house them without them escaping to the dusty closet room or the treacherous roads outside the residential lot where they could be crushed by cars or (worse) stolen. I ended-up using a slab of concrete that lay around in our lot. It was a solid, circular basin that was around 1-and-a-half meters in diameter. It was perfect for five homely turtles, and the wall was tall enough so they wouldn't escape. But just when I thought I didn't have to deal with turtle poop in my bathroom anymore, one of the male turtles began attacking the others. The other turtles ended up with bit marks and skinned tears around their necks, and they began fighting alot which resulted in the aggressive turtle receiving a whole lot of wounds as well. There was no blood, but I hated seeing them so unhappy and unable to feed because of Landon (the mean one). So, I had to isolate him in the old laundry basket while everyone else was free to roam their little enclosure. And, sadly, one of my miniature turtles died after seeing him starting to float on his side for months on end. I wish I had him checked in; maybe then the poor thing would still be with us.

I feed them leftover fish and shrimp, aswell as the usual pellets regularly. I love feeding them green things every now and then, too.

#4

The next is about my Roleplaying. Recently I've been having this need to escape reality and do something interesting. School had me all stressed. And what do I do? I go online and play Roleplays on Gaia. I know, sounds very boring. But from my point of view I have the chance to write an amazing story along with other members of that site. It's actually one of my favorite things to do other than take care of animals or watching fascinating documentaries. There were very few Rolpelays I actually wanted to enter, but when I do I stick to it till' the very bitter end. I guess I'm just a die-hard RP'er. So far, the RP's I really got into were "Testing Fate" by _Sally_Skelinton and "Creation" by Xelyn_X13. The first one is a fantasy-based RP that involved the struggle between Light (Avriel) V.S. Dark (Drow) Elves and they have to fight against a common enemy hidden in their midst. The second one is more recent and involved a crew of spacegoers on the ship called 'The Horizon' and they have to reach their destination which is a planet off of this solar system in order for them to colonize it. What I love most about RP'ing is that you never know what to expect. Sure, there's tons of planning and plotting that goes into the RP, but other than that I love how you absolutely have no idea what could happen next and what sort of destiny that awaits you and everyone else's characters. The thing I like about it is that you get to interact with other people who are in the same boat as you. Sometimes you disagree with them and that your idea of 'fun' may not be the same as theirs, but in the end you're all in it together, and you never know how far you can go.

#5

I love both East and Western music. Fusions are just as good, too. Aside from my previous interest in Japanese music, I am slowly starting to appreciate Western music. It's beats and rhythms are so different from my previous obsession, although J-Pop will always hold a special place in my heart for keeping my interest for so long. I still listen every now and then, but I have really begun to listen to American pop classics such as "Backstreet Boys" and "Evanescence" and many others. They were the bands of my childhood, and I'm only beginning to see how much I've missed them and how much they matter to me in a artistic perspective.

That concludes my list. I hope you enjoyed my stories.

Birthday

"Even though you've grown up, you should never stop having fun."

Let me tell you what it's like to be 24-years of age. I still can't get over the fact that I am well into the stage of being a full-fledged adult. It seemed like yesterday I was playing with barbies and reading story books. Now I am preparing to go into the career business, finally earning my own income of money and living on my own. I'm nearly there, and I can't wait to accomplish all these top goals of mine. I just need to work hard enough to sustain myself on a daily basis. There are plenty of times when I look back and wish I did a few things differently, but I'm glad I made it this far. The good news is that I might probably go back to the U.S. this summer and that I'll be receiving help with my career by following a very specific plan that gets me involved in vet school as a veterinary technician. I finally get to live my dream of being close to animals, and I get to be paid to do it all. It's a fitting place for me... almost as good as going to the Conservatory of Music in San Agustin. But I am done and over with that now. The bad news is that I won't be able to finish my Foreign Service course in Iloilo. I have already gone through 3 courses for my major. None of which held any solid ground. But, yes, I am currently going to the University of San Agustin for college. I previously went to Bakersfield College in order to take pre-requisite classes, and before that I temporarily went to CSUB for a Biology class (I got a C for my final grade, too). I have went over and explored all my options. But the one my parents are offering me is the best one yet. Even better than taking 'Foreign Service' here. But I do admit that I've been pretty lonesome in this house since I moved in with my grandparents. I'm hoping to turn my life around as soon as I am able to be more responsible with myself. My grandparents tell me they are giving me full ownership of our house in Jaro. But I need to be able to pay for the taxes and such. Other than that, my time as a student has just about expired, and I am fully ready to move on the bigger and better things. But I can't help but wonder... what does it mean to have a little more room to stretch if it means it's my own space and not anyone elses'? I suppose that'll mean that it's time to let old things die and let the sunshine shine through and allow the flowers to bloom. It would be good to have something for myself for once. Ever since I became an older sister for a brother AND a sister, I rarely had anything that was mine. I had to share many factors of my life, including gadgets and kitchen utensils. Though they respected me enough to have my own stuff (of course), I was never fully content with what I have. I simply longed to reach out and build something substantiated for myself, never bending to anyone's will to do as I'm told. Complete and utter freedom... at my own expense...

When I was younger, I would always think about what the future may bring one day after another. That something magical and utterly euphoric might transpire. You can imagine my disappointment when I had come to realize the day I'm on right now isn't much different than the day before this one. The only difference, I realized, was what I did and the fact that what I did mattered. I told myself I would pick a job that would suite me the most. This is why I picked my current course and why I was passive about being placed into the Conservatory. At first I was keen to graduate as an accountant. But I learned it takes a whole new type of grit to being a math major. In the end I picked this course because I wanted to prove to myself that I can be just as fluent with any language other than English and be good at it. Even now, I am truly assured that I can go through life with my current track. But just when I thought I had settled my life here, my mother calls and asks me if I want to be placed int vet school so I can help animals. At first I was unsure if I should take what she said seriously. It seemed waaaayyy too good to be true. But now I know that life can be really unexpected, and how I jumped like a manic grasshopper inside my head at the news of it. That's the strange part of it, I suppose. The part about being like a kid every now and again despite my sad attempts to be mature. I never was one for maturity. Seemed like a boring, self-imposed title to strive for. To me, compliments only work of someone else gives them to me. It didn't count if I kept telling myself all these things. Which is why I was always afraid to grow-up too fast. But here I am now, and what a journey I had to undertake to get here at this present moment. But what we basically did for my birthday is that I went to my paternal grandparents' house and visited them there. We ate pistachio icecream, piyaya and dark chocolate muffins and watched 'Jumanji' and 'Aircrash Investigation' for 3-hours. We took pictures and chatted about the show --- particularly about how terrible the kind of death they had to experience when attempting to stabilize the plane but then ultimately failed --- and then talked about the change in staff they just recently implemented for the place. By the way, I look SO bad in my pictures nowadays. I feel almost ashamed to post current photos of myself on this blog. I do have a few good ones (the ones where my mouth doesn't look like a giant magnet, or the ones where my hair doesn't look like a tumbling ramble of chaos) but I will most likely hesitate to share them so willingly. It's funny how a person changed so much when they age. I can only pray I would age as well as the next person and keep myself from sustaining bruises or cuts that could turn into scars. I feel so self-conscious since I'm no longer as young as I used to be. But, there's simply nothing I can do about THAT.

Overall, I think it's safe to say me turning twenty-four will work-out just fine in the end. It has to.

Finally Back

" Life is a piece of PI. "

It's been nearly 10 years since I last came back to this blog. I am now 24-years-old, turning just so this January 9th, 2018. I have full intentions on getting this blog back in order. I have become a full adult and not a day that passes by without me wishing I could have an outlet for writing again... not since I've been able to get back on here. I become quite the writer now; my writing skills have doubled since I last wrote here, and my typing speed has improved quite a bit aswell. I owe that to gaming. I have also been very active in Gaiaonline on a frequent basis, since it's one of the few places I can pursue my dream of writing my precious thoughts without harsh retorts. This blog shall serve as my public diary again, since booklets don't quite cut it. I always need more space write, and this is exactly what I just need. I hope to see myself write more into this now more than ever, and I pray that no one too critical stumbles upon my unfounded entries. I am but a humble girl turned woman now, and these words I write are my words built of hope and enlightened freedom. I can only do nothing more than write till my fingers turn numb, but I hope I can be more open with myself and my experiences rather than just pass by each day facing the unknown and the lonely mornings without concern.

My name is Jeanne, and I am a blogger from the Philippines. Oh, by the way, I am also an American citizen now, and I've been dreaming of the day that I return to the U.S. since that very day I left our humble abode in Bakersfield, CA. I have graduated highschool and I have kept most of my old friends and made plenty of new ones. Life isn't what I expect it to be, and I love it just exactly the way it is. It's the way things are; it's how it was meant to be. I could never hope for a better life, and I have gone back to school to finish what I started and get myself off the unemployment case scenario. As I begin to live my life once again with a sense of newfound livid consciousness, and my dreams only continue to soar as I realize that I have very few things that stand in my way (other than myself, of course), I now know that the sky isn't the limit, but my mind is thus far. I pride myself knowing I'm good enough for myself and I've begun to realize I'm strong enough to reach my goals --- aslong as I keep them in sight --- and be able to make something of myself. Ever since my heart started beating consistently again I live everyday knowing it may be my last, yet I live it like there was no better time than right now. Right now is as good a time as any other; so, why stop there? But, a word of caution to this tale... there is a price to everything, and I must remember that everything could change at any moment.

I am going to start writing a bunch consistent entries as frequently as I can starting today. It shall contain all the things that greatly concern me on a regular basis. Hopefully, that'll take the weight I've been carrying off my shoulders and will allow me to keep going and moving progressively on or forward. This is my modus operandi, my freedom of expression. No one can take this away from me. Yet why must I feel sad about writing all this by my lonesome? Perhaps it's because I know very few people will see this. But at the same time that's what I'm counting on so that no one has to see all of the embarrassing stuff that I type out here. I'm really throwing myself into the fray and getting myself out there. Only the few select may appreciate the things I write. But, even then, I'm not really vying for the attention or popularity that revolves around and is bound to the lifestyle of the privileged. So in conclusion, I have made it one of my New Year's resolution to practice my writing and my perfect the revered 'Art of Blogging'. It's time to spread my wings and fly.