My Sister & Turtles

" Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence. "

I also have another important thing to note as a way to catch-up on so many years of being absent from this blog. I am now a big sister to my younger sister, Julienne Eve. She was born around December and I love her to death. She is around atleast 20-years younger than me. She likes to call me 'sissy' and people are having a hard time understanding her baby-talk so I talk to her myself and I seemed to be able to understand her. For the most part. She has these chubby cheeks and a tannish skintone aswell as long fingers and a talks with a slight slight lisp. She cried whenever I disappear from our webcam chats and she always tells me she misses me. I love her like I love my brother 'Drey' and my parents always gives her an iPad which she always breaks so they have to replace the screen repeatedly. I want to spend time with her the more I realize how much I miss her. Children are at the most impressionable when they're young and sensitive, so I want to be able to give her a notable childhood by spending time with her. I wonder what it's like to see the world in the eyes of a child. It's been a while since I tried to remember the feeling of being so young. Anyway, I have to be around her if I can get back to the U.S. since I'm probably going to live with my parents again and I hope she doesn't forget about me.

I have less than a few months of staying here in Iloilo. I have no idea if I'm supposed to take a certain class just so I don't have to repeat it. I want to finish as much as I can so I can spend time with me younger siblings. Though I have no idea what it's like to live with children since I have been an only child for 14-years till my brother was born. It should be an interesting experience to be the big sister and keep them safe and happy and well-fed. That's the good news. the bad news is that I can't take my turtles with me. I have been hoping they would allow me tp bring them, but since they're considered an endangered species they have to stay in the Philippines. I am completely heart-broken by this since I have to leave them to other people to take care of them. My last turtle drowned because they placed too much water in the pale where it lived. I hope that doesn't happen to my current collection as they have their own little habitat made from concrete and that the water can be drained if it's too much. I'm more worried about who and what they will feed them since I won't be around.

I am not happy about leaving my pets here. But, atleast I get to see my family again. I don't want to say family is more important to my pets cause I try to keep my love the same for everyone, but I have no other choice since they can't be bought to the States.

The Weekend

There are days when I wish the weekend would never end. Especially since I have Literature, English, Ethics and Trigonometry tests on Monday. But, instead, I decided to choose to blog about my inactivity and my overall opinions on the matter instead of studying. There are a ton of things I would like to talk about and cover in my blog (such as clothes, food and friends), but I shall choose to talk about the more important things, like what I have already learned both in and out of school. I learned that love isn't hard to find, but learning to love someone is. I learned that people aren't always what they seem, and sometimes some are more predictable than others. I have also learned that making friends is easy, but keeping in-touch with them and maintaining that friendships takes quite a bit of effort placed into it. Some people are meant for me, some are designated to be with someone else, and that it's crucial to remember that even if they choose someone else besides me, I should take it as light-heartedly as i can and wish them all the happiness in the world. There's nothing more uncomfortable than being forced to be with someone who isn't meant for you, and it can only lead to pain and anguish and negativity. I have learned that some friends are meant to stay in your life, and some are meant to go separate ways with you. I try my best not to burden anyone with my presence, so that I don't have to be the odd one out. I noticed that I tend to push others away if I feel like they won't fit with me, and I now know that there's only on way to earn one's independence and at the same time enjoy my own company. Life is full of struggles, but I have learned to fight through it and stick to what is important to me, no matter the cost. Things may change, sure, but that doesn't mean I have to remove the softness in my heart and give-in to hate and anger. Even though it frustrates me if someone doesn't understand me (or, worse, intentionally misunderstand me completely), I have to know how to tell them how I feel and know how can these kinds of situations be avoided. I'm always first to let go if things go wrong, so I don't have to witness the house burn down to the ground. This is what happens when I don't study. I start guessing and then things start falling apart. But, so far, I only study if it's a particular interest to me. It's really hard to study things that don't quip my curiosity. And what sparks my interest is the lessons I have so far learned in life. It may not be about practical knowledge, but it's a subject that I keep in my heart at all cost.

There's the saying that goes: "Elephants never forget". And, I have attested that that saying is somewhat true. I'm not trying to say I'm an elephant who remembers everything, but what is true about it is that there are some things that the heart remembers things which the mind cannot fully understand. The heart sees and feels things the mind does not always perceive, and that includes all the things that I have ever experienced in life. Some things are painful to remember, some things are more easily remembered if given enough time, yet there are many things that I cannot memorize on a whim. This is why I wish the weekend could give me more time to study, so that I'm more prepared. But I suppose all the things I memorized doesn't compare to how I understand such problems to begin with. Remembering something isn't quite the same as understanding the subject matter, and so I am left with no other option than to search the internet for certain kinds of interpretations. This is where I found myself when I started studying, but for some reason I ended-up blogging this instead. I suppose there's been alot of things on my mind which I can't let go, but I know that with enough time I can move on and be glad of the time I spent together with those people instead of never meeting and spending time together at all. I used to think memories were trivial things: they always reminding me of a certain time in my life which I can't take back. But now I know that it's best to learn something from my experiences instead of shying away from it altogether. There's much to be admired in a person who uses their own weaknesses to their advantage. And, now I see that I want to be able to look back at my life and admire all that I've been through and all the positive things I have pieced together in my heart rather then denying all of it. I don't want to harden against the cruelty of my dreary past, but rather be enlightened with the sole reminder of such memories. Being happy is the main reason why we remember things, and I knew something was wrong with me since I found no joy in remembering them, but instead it all made me feel hurt, sad and angry. But now I know that memories can help me form a better understanding of myself and why I feel these things the way I do.

Look at me, reminiscing and pondering such topics during the end of the weekend... and right before a test. Guess I still haven't learned to manage my time correctly. I can be such a mess. But, whatever, I just have to remember these facts and chant it like some holy mantra till I memorize everything. Should be a piece of cake, right?

Chinese Music

My Top 5 Favorite Chinese Songs:

#1: The Spinning Song (Harvest Sprouts)

#2: A Tune of Huaxu

#3: Blind-Eyed Artist (River Map)

#4: Mountain & River

#5: Spring Breeze

My Plans & Inner Thoughts

"The heart sees things the eyes sometimes cannot see."

So far school has been okay; we just finished midterms a couple of weeks ago and everything is predictable so far. We get the occasional quiz and oral recitation every now and then. In Theology we had to recite the 10 Commandments and on Argumentation & Debate class we had a real debate between two separate factions in our class. I've been thinking alot about how the path of my career is supposed to go and what route I should take. It turns out I have to finish summer school and take my Bio-Sci class before I can continue as a veterinary technician. Some part of me just wants to stay and finish my 'Foreign Service' course. But the call to go back to the states has never been more crucial since my grandmother can't afford me anymore and my grandfather is getting impatient with the whole situation. There's a ton of things I would like to do before I can possibly go back to the U.S., but I suppose the return is now fundamental inevitability. Atleast I get to see my siblings, and I do miss them a great deal. Especially my sister, who is very sweet and loving. She misses me alot and cries when I leave the camera whenever we use Facetime. My parents visited us just months ago in 2017, and I got to see them again. It's sometimes hard to believe I'm the eldest, even though there are many characteristics I maintain that are relatively 'child-like'. It's like they just enjoy bashing me for these traits that are purely tied to genetics. It's like they just love to blame me for things I cannot help. But aslong as they leave me to do the things I like, I couldn't care less about what they think of me. They are just haters who have nothing better to do with their time but be pathetic and spiteful. There's no limit to how many people are like that, and I just do what is natural to me and avoid conflict. I hate fighting about pointless things, which is what most haters tend to aim at. They would rather stick to their old ways rather than see the truth of the matter. But, aslong as I can continue with my life and be able to afford myself what I need and my desires, I'm fine and happy. But, no one gets away with threatening me and my peace of mind. I let the universe do it's work and let the flow of time ebb them away. But ,aside from people who bother me, I just want to have stable set of friends that I'm close to. Perhaps this is why have people to hate me: I only keep a certain amount of friends on my roster, and I'm happy with just that. Someone once told me that I shouldn't care about people who don't care about me, and I believe he is speaking the truth. I just want to grow up and start working. Which is why I'm getting into my Bio-Sci class as soon as I am able to take it. I don't want to waste my time with people who assume too much or don't respect anyone else other than themselves. Or, worse, have some ulterior motive to be nice to me. I may come-off as selfish to some, but I'm just trying to protect myself and my self-interest and be happy during my alone times. I'm not particularly fond of crowds, and so I like my peace and quiet ever now and again. Call me an introvert, but that's simply what defines me and not what others say about me.

I plan to finish school and probably even graduate early if I can help it. I've lost enough time already during our travel throughout the U.S.. From the West Coast to the East Coast. It was tiring and full of drama, but I'm finally able to live where I'm meant to be, and I hope I can be just as successful there as I am here. It's funny cause' as I'm typing all this out I remember I still have homework to do. I guess I better cut this entry short and finish what I'm supposed to do. But this won't be my last post, as I have said before I want to put this blog back in order. As I do my work I listen to old Chinese songs about war, love and warm fires at the countryside. Songs like these always bring back good times, and I know I have plenty more good times ahead of me for me to experience. It would be nice to hangout with my old friends, even though it's been a while since I last saw them. As I get older, I realize it's not as important to be part of the waving trend, but to cherish my relationships since everyone deserves to be happy with their lot in life. I am definitely content with myself and the people around me, and I hope it can only get better. There are times when I doubt myself and feel terrible with my lack of physical prowess, but I learned it's what's in the mind that counts, and that fighting for the petty things will certainly get me nowhere real fast. I hate arguing, too. I simply can't take that kind of negative energy, and I find that I cringe away from it as much as the next person who desires something more healthy. I don't mind the occasional food-for-thought, but arguing over something a person believes in, while absolutely refuses to see the light of reason, I just find myself looking the other way and leave without any hesitation. I'm a naturally aggressive person, but that doesn't mean I want to fight over trivial things. I just want to feel peace and enlightenment, and I won't get this from materialistic hoarders who seek nothing else besides social strife and validation from others. I know this is a no-win situation, regardless if I point out their lack of substantiation and invalid points. I used to be part of that emo-rock scene as a teen, but after going through numerous phases of my life, I've learned that there are better things to emulate instead of just rebellion and negative emotions. There are many times when I look back during those times and think that I've had a good run and I feel content that I lived through all the things I went through. Life now is definitely better than it used to be, but I feel that there are things I can improve on to make it a little better. I can only hope that I can keep living with love in my heart and a courageous smile on my face. Bravery is NOT for the frail of heart, and I know that continuing to face life with optimism is what enables me to keep going. Life will always have it's ups and downs, but that doesn't mean that I intend to sway with the waves. I must be strong and unyielding if I am to succeed with my endeavors. Alot of things could go wrong and I could die any day, but I must be confident that I can pull-through whatever obstacles that stand in my way. Even if it means giving up certain things along the way.